Anorexia Nervosa Revisited

by matthew scott harris
(bryn mawr, pa, usa)

More than two score years since elapsed
since incipient onslaught of slow suicide by starvation to death!
* * * * * * * * *
Though greater than four and a half decades transpired
since mine psychic state plunged into the abysmal depth of despair,
the nearly invisible filamentous tendrils of this self consumption
(attestation that a body deprived of sustenance famished
to the point where cannibalism of thine physical body)
augmented at refutation to supply a growing prepubescent
with essential nutriment!
* * * * * * * * *
No matter that chronological age = LVII,
hence I incorporate poem to exemplify persistence
of my attempt to cease existence when barely out of boyhood!
Thus the following grippe of near death when
Matthew Scott Harris literally wasted away to nada so lovely bones!
This rhythmic reflection updated
with minor revisions since written many moons ago
recalling the stagnated, stilted, stymied sans Still thirteen
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Despite forty four birthdays elapsed since cataclysmic eruption rent asunder
Psyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched worthiness-pitting mien as blunder
* * * * *
Bulldozing with razorblades former childhood wondrous glee raising suicide
Quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow (self starvation) mine inexorable ride
* * * * *
Which chronological frieze kept hog-tied
And hide bound this one grown male
Dredging haunting spectre – where to be gratefully dead – within Elysian dale
* * * * *
Youngest me two female progeny segued untrammeled ten plus seven years
On February fourth two thousand sixteen triggered flashback to wretched tears
* * * * *
Sans that insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/ thwarting desire to be alive
Shockwaves extant to this day - no matter long since recovered from nose-dive
* * * * *
Emotional, psychological & social repercussions hound me present mental state
Indelible permanent scars (per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics) seem never to abate
* * * * *
Try as I might to shake free from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow
He experiences an especially perilous remembrance of that abysmal infernal woe
* * * * *
When thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring passed that milestone age
With nary a hint how her papa felt locked up within his abysmal agonizing stage
* * * * *
Impossible to forgive permanent harm inflicted not only on self but searing pain
My late mother & octogenarian father whose angst this dada insight re: did gain
* * * * *
From bringing forth his own progeny which years eclipsed at break neck speed
Whereby each special daughter evincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy weed
* * * * *
Bound to surpass their dear ole mister mom permanently branded with ghost
Of Christmases past for never knowing thee potential that burned black toast
* * * * *
And hunger pains even to this day frequently blithely ignored as if still callous
Tempted, lured and baited by hand of death this grown man wished inxs to kiss!
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At present tis social anxiety albeit abetted considerably
with the daily ingestion of three prescription medications
(clonozepam, prozac and quetiapine fumurate) still flexes
muscling reins of control as scabrous, rapacious, and
pernicious nemesis de jour (lurking in wait to spring up –
jack in the box like) though meditation, physical exercise,
and therapy at Lower Merion Counseling center helps to
mitigate the once near paralyzing malady.
* * * * * * * * *
Additionally (in tandem with the above and especially
pharmacological products also listed), I try to expose
this human being at that comfort zone brink by mustering
effort to strike up (initiate) conversation when out and a boot.
Trader Joe’s market (both darling daughters favor food selection)
one venue in particular that finds this ole codger politely
making a favorable comment to another patron.
Usually with an “excuse me” toward the person who
unwittingly exhibits some aesthetically pleasing characteristic
(i.e. dreadlocks, piercings, tattoos, et cetera) the uninvited/
unexpected complement gets communicated.