Humorous Poems

Fading roses 
There is no mistaking that roses are red, And violets are most often blue The grey in your hair is growing on me, But it's growing much faster on you! …

A Night To Dismember 
Ghost Goblin Bandit Spy Trick or Treat Do or Die Pirate Princess King Queen Masked Invaders on the scene Zombies Prisoners Aliens …

"umble" 
It's nice to be humble - to be modest and fair; Best not to crumble into bits of despair. We all sometimes stumble and lose our way, …

The Dating Game 
Some attract with charm and looks Some appeal with their love of books Some seduce by spending frivolously Most will choose Door Number Three

Conspicous 
They say curiosity killed the cat. Obviously whoever said that, at the time tested that fact. Don't try to state truth when it's ever changing, …

On My Hemorrhoidectomy 
For long years my ‘rhoids Got along with my tush, ‘Til this hapless year When shove came to push. You normally don’t give Much thought to your …

Bad Hair Day 
a brown birds nest a ratty mess an utter disgrace entwines my face shields me from the outside world and everyone i know hides me from the truth …

Good Night ! ? ! 
Was it me, or what made me think That we were only supposed to be having a quick drink? We were just popping in for a pint or two But it seems it got …

BUS? PASS!! 
It seems no matter where you wait The bus you want is always late Buses abound in every other direction But of yours there is no mention. You check …

Ode to Obesity 
Big butt, fat gut, Eat fast, add more salt, Qualify for heart transplant. Join a gym, Never go in, Increase hours of couch sit-in'. Drink ten …

Kitten  
She is sweet, cute and adorable She wears a golden shining collar around her soft white fur embrace like a sparkling jeweled necklace she has big old …

Tea minus 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.......... 
The question has to be asked, “How hard can it be, for a man to get a decent cup of tea”? How can people get something so simple so wrong? A question …

ASHES TO ASHES 
It got to the stage where I was sick and tired of smoking The constant coughing, I always seemed to be choking the way my clothes, my hair, the car and …

Driving Me Crazy!! 
Are we nearly there Dad? Is it very far? Oh he is going to drive me mad We had just got in the car Are we nearly there Dad? Have we far to go? …

bad habits 
Bad habits, bad habits even badder than eating rabits mum says don't pick your nose or the tooth fairy goes don't ever fight or the monster …

Old School Poem (Part 1) 
Three hundred years ago in a stone made school, there once was a five year old and and a bully called Boo. Boo likes to tease and fight in the loo. …

Method of Madness 
I was born in Los Angeles, California. My main hobby growing up was watching movies, I especially loved On the Waterfront, The Wild One, and The Godfather. …

Taking the PSA 
I am a Public Servant, have been for almost twenty years all the recent vitriol and bile has almost reduced me to tears So much anger and resentment, …

TRYING, EXTREMELY TRYING!! 
At long last I am legally separated I have been officially liberated And now that woman is my ex wife I am going to be single the rest of my life A …

MIGHTY CRAIC ! 
I remember once I farted, in a packed lift, My two cheeks really parted, if you get my drift I almost had a heart attack, the sound was so clear, It …

The Change 
Is it not strange, it seems so to me How much men change after matrimony When we went steady, for every date He spent hours getting ready, always looked …

DUMB!! 
Women use the “Silent Treatment” as a strategy When men transgress, no matter how trivial it might be The following is an example, a scenario Typical …

The Nun 
There once was a nun Who wanted some fun. She bought a pet rabbit Kept it under her habit And in church let it out for a run.

i am a girl 
There is a chance To see your face I am a girl How I do I show u it I am a selfish To go your face But I am trying just worrying whether you have …

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comedy prayer 
Austerity The Prayer Austerity cometh from mighty powers so as to make us humble and to keep our pockets always light so that in glory we may …

Happy Birthday 
I want to tell you now, how special you have been A real true friend for many years so much that you have seen. Supported me and loved me in all i had …

The Evolution Of The Giraffe 
A giraffe you know, is tall and lean. Not storky or dorky or droopy or mean. But if you go back and take a look, you may not find what you'd see in …

Golden Opportunity  
Cottonball clouds in a clear cobalt sky the crocodile, palest green, watches the head between his teeth bears a kind of smile as the mood turns …

I DON'T KNOW WHY 
I saw a guy He said to me "Hi" I said to him "bye" but still I don't know why

A Day With You! 
A day with you I need, Sit on the window looking at a star, Your feeding on my hurt and it's breaking, And all you say is ta. ANOTHER DAY LOOKING …

The Massive Bum  
It's big alright It is in your face 24/7 It's big and round and never goes down She needs size XXXXXXXXL undies to fit this rather large proportion …

I Was Once Banished .... 
I say now Chaps, won't you let me in, I'm not going to do that, 'thing' again. I've cleaned up my act (with a high powered jet) And believe me, …

Big Misunderstanding 
One day as I was sailing, Near the ocean in a cay I saw a fin approaching on a shark who looked quite gay "Oh no, I screamed and shuddered Whatever …

Fightin' Irish 
Why do people keep calling me Maggie? It makes me feel just slightly gaggie. …

Look Ma, No Hands 
Where do the teenagers get their fashions? With everyone else they seem to be clashin'. The twenties …

Bed Time 
Her teeth are on the night stand, Her hair is on the door. …

Daisy the Dangerous Duck 
Daisy the duck is a dangerous duck, If you spot her then please stay away, She juggles with knives, endangering lives, While blowing up things everyday. …

friends 
friends are loving people that care for you just the way you are. friends don't talk about you and be in your face the next day. friends help you when …

Large Man 
There once was a house In there live a man the size of an elephant He was indeed very large When it came to Thanksgiving Oh that was the worst His …

spring 
The wind is blowing like someone blowing a candle out of a birthday cake. Sunny as can be with flowers blooming everywhere: pink, white, yellow, orange, …

A Different Kind of Hero 
Billy Bob was a handsome guy With Three good teeth and an ugly gold tie Since he was small all the kids used to say Billy Bob you're always in the way …

Star-bucks lovers 
Simon wanted Sally to look at him. Glancing tentatively then smirking, he chuckled to himself swilling green tea in his mouth like some hog and …

My Tiny Bikini 
My Tiny Bikini Later today I’ve a trip to the beach But I can’t find my costume; it’s not within reach, I’ll just have to buy one, I whizz to the …

The Craven 
Late at night I watched the tube, and while my eyes were fairly glued At the economic graphs and stats they’d all excitedly report I resolved to flip …

Ode to Twitter 
With the bright summer dawn when I roll up and yawn, The first thing I do is to switch the news on. Not the teevee with banter among heads full of chatter …

How to Make the Phone Ring 
Say "Call me, darling," Give him your number And give him a wink, That should make the phone ring I think. Be willing to sacrifice lovable things, …

What Burns would think of Church in 2013 
Six days it says in Genesis to make the world and turn dark light - But now I read ma science book and find its all been shite I feel like I've been …

Ode to St. Michael 
It’s Tuesday again and the shopping centre is busy There’s so many women it’s making me dizzy And so much noise that seems never ending I can’t believe …

POEMS!! AH!! 
Poems, Poems, Poems, -Which I really hate! Now I have to write one, Oh that's just GREAT! "It's hard enough to rhyme a word!" That's what says …

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NAUGHTY MEN 
Oh how I wish i was a fly, so on my loved one, I could spy.... and when he says he's with the boys, and really with his blonde, young, toys.... I'd …

Born to Work 
I wasn’t born to work you know, Not like a snail is born to slime, Pecuniary incarceration..... That should be a crime! I don’t do any damage, …

My Trip to the Doctor 
I visited the doctor I was in sad shape no less I had a rash on my behind What a terrible mess My stomach was turning I was nervous as heck …

The Criminal 
I once met a man from the jail. He left,and the cops have no trail. A boy who was passing said,"'scuse me for asking, You the oaf with the cops on …

Cold Snapped.... 
The feeling of cold can make you do strange things.. The wind was blowing when she left the city... I believe it was twenty below... Where she was going …

School is Boring 
As i get to school I try to have some fun but without this technique school would be really dumb As I walk to my friends they all say i hate …

My Principal Is Coming In Today 
My principal is coming in today, so I'll have to show my best I'll act like a loving angel who acts like all the rest. I'll use my angel voice if she …

Egg-itis Not rated yet
walking amidst a farmer's yard I wasn't on top of my game I was feeling bad, a mission to meet all I could do was waddle on my feet so waddle I …

Egg-itis Not rated yet
walking amidst a farmer's yard i wasn't on top of my game i was feeling bad, a mission to meet all I could do was waddle on my feet so waddle i …

Flatulence and the Acting Profession Not rated yet
I rather like Sir John Gielgud I've seen his work and it's real good And he famously said that the name Edward Woodward Sounds The way a fart in the …

My Dog Ralph Not rated yet
My Dog Ralph Puppy dogs come in all shapes and sizes Like tall, short, fat, and lean Some are so beautiful they win prizes And some aren’t if you …

Taco Tom Not rated yet
There once was a Taco named Tom- He loved his burrito mom- Living at Taco Bell- Just a tortilla shell- He took an enchilada to prom.

The Teacher Not rated yet
My Teacher is nice And likes coffee with ice But she teaches math Whats up with that?

In The Pool Not rated yet
Splish, Sploosh, Splash Were having a bash swimming and playing the water is swaying. Drip, Drip, Drip Get out of the pool. It is very cool I …

Stinky Feet Not rated yet
Stinky Feet Your feet they get so stinky when you run around and play! They sweat inside your socks, and smell like moldy hay. While playing …

The Naughty Nanny Not rated yet
Her name was Nanette - A student from France Who wore red blouses And sexy red pants She wanted to check out The U.S. of A. So a …

I don't have a poem today. Not rated yet
I'm waiting for the "block" to break. My pen is filled with ink. Nothing seems to come to mind. I can barely think. My rhymes have just meandered …

Irish Ned Not rated yet
Farming is messy! Locals cling to the old ways; Tractors and pranks pass the wet summers. Old Ned couldn't drive. Two young bored farmhands …

Declan's Dilemma Not rated yet
You　mistook　gout　for a　slipped　disc,' the　good　Doctor　cried, 'No more rich meats or seafood may be put in your fry,' 'I'm in bad form but my diet is …

The One Not rated yet
I held her in my arms And kissed her tenderly I knew our love would last Throughout eternity She was the sweetest girl So lovely, fair and fun …

On Second Thought Not rated yet
To overeat is human. To diet is divine. To count your every calorie is a precious use of time. To pass up fattening goodies shows your admirable restraint... …

Two Lonely Snowballs Not rated yet
Two lonely snowballs dancing on the street They'd move on if they could, but they have no feet. All night long they nuzzled and caressed Shuffling in …

Percy the Peacock Not rated yet
Look at me I’m so beautiful. As my wife, please be dutiful? But all you seem to do is put your head down and chew. You’re not vaguely impressed …

Spinach Not rated yet
When Mother serves those big, green leaves, I try not to make a face, For I know that there is a hungry cat beneath me. When Mother sees my plate is …

IT'S A COMPUTER WORLD Not rated yet
Yesterday a computer was something of note A Window something you hated to clean A Ram the father of a goat... MEG, the name of my girlfriend A GIG, …

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The Snake ate the Guinea Pig Not rated yet
It was cold outside, and the power was out a snake was freezing, So she wrapped him around her neck, The snake was given warmth, When it started …

Donald Trump Not rated yet
Donald Trump's a great guy. He's honest, kind and fair He's generous and mild and meek, and blessed with lovely hair His family are all so loyal and …

Tiger on the Prowl.  Not rated yet
The Tiger flicked his whiskers and he smiled maliciously He was feeling rather hungry and considering his tea; His appetite was raging so his heart was …

Kicking up a Storm Not rated yet
kicky kicky kick kick kick kick my baby likes to kick kicky kicky kick kick kick kick my baby likes to kick

My Monsterous Family Not rated yet
My family isn't normal, they're the weirdest family in town. My dad's so tall, he's big foot's brother. There's a lady in town withe face of a mouse, …

Crossing the Line Not rated yet
It’s that time of year when I think of you.... And all the strange things we used to do... We were young and cast our fate to the wind... …

ONE MORE DRAG Not rated yet
Began with a pack of smokes Didn't mind the jokes Of them nagging folks Who said, bet he croaks. My cough got worse and worse Called a doctor and …

It didn’t seem to fit Not rated yet
I tried it on the floor But it didn’t seem to fit. So I tried it on the bench But that didn’t help a bit I pushed and I shoved I was really getting …

WHY WHY WHY Not rated yet
Why is abbreviated such a long word? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the container? Is it good if a vacuum sucks? Why does fat-chance and slim-chance …

An Exchange of Love Not rated yet
Lady, may I ask you Could it possibly be? That one day soon You will marry me. …

Girl Trouble! Not rated yet
My wife got a job so I said I would mind our daughter Let me just tell you I was like a lamb to the slaughter My wife she said nothing, gave me absolutely …

DURESS!! Not rated yet
We both wanted sex without reproduction We had to take steps towards risk reduction But what seems so easy is not always so And the problems we encountered …

STRIKE UP THE BAND Not rated yet
Jazz and Big Bands were my thing Music in the days of Swing Jiiterbugging the dance of the day We'd swing and sway with Sammy Kaye. Rock and Roll …

Take it Handy! Not rated yet
As long as I’m alive I will never understand How so many people drive using just one hand What about the other? You may well ask It does one thing and …

The Irish Questioned Not rated yet
In Ireland we had built a truly independent nation, standing proud after years of strife and deprivation But we yearned to join Europe, enticed by her …

Jason Not rated yet
Jason is the name of my sweet baby boy Adorable and cute as he is he rocks my world So true that a child can make a difference and bring joy to a new …

BOMBSHELL! Not rated yet
My eyes they almost popped my jaw nearly hit the floor My tongue came out and flopped as she walked through the door A body like I have never seen …

FARE THEE WELL Not rated yet
When I have to get a Taxi it always drives me mad Guaranteed to make me angry, the service is so bad Leaving me so frustrated, the only time I curse …

SICK! Not rated yet
I’m only in hospital because I am sick, apparently I’m quite stressed Although I’m in relatively good nick, what I need most is lots of rest But they …

Going through the Motions Not rated yet
A new phenomenon is the “Stay at home Dad” I tried it for a while but it almost drove me mad Though I must admit most times I found my son quite engaging …

The Irish Troubled! Not rated yet
In Ireland we had built a truly independent nation, standing proud after years of strife and deprivation But we yearned to join Europe, enticed by her …

SOUND BITES Not rated yet
In the Red! A bondholder went abroad where in the heat he sojourned But he was red raw all over when he returned He had worshipped the sun, lapped up …

Give me some Credit!? Not rated yet
It was during the recession I needed help from my bank So they arranged for a session With the loan manager, Frank. All I wanted was a loan It was …

No Joking! Not rated yet
T’was after the pub, she came back to mine Where we had a few more glasses of wine I told her I didn’t do it with people I hardly know She begged until …

Jack Not rated yet
Jack climbed up the beanstalk he wanted to find out if at the very top a giant was hanging out. He armed himself with an axe to cut away the …

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Not Tonight!! Not rated yet
You see them in town, wherever you go at doors of pubs and clubs especially so They are known as “Bouncers” to you and me But they insist they are …

The Loose Tooth Tree Not rated yet
Memories of times long past Memories that seem to last One thing I remember, it was special to me Is the hideout known as The Loose Tooth Tree. It …

HARD LABOUR Not rated yet
At last the time had come, our first baby was on the way I was really looking forward to such a beautiful day Yes, a joyous occasion, the start of our …

"The Adventures of George" Not rated yet
This is an excerpt as "The Adventures of George" (already published ISBN 978-1-6048-1624-2)has about 40,000 words. "The Maximum Leader arrived right …

The Scent of Love Not rated yet
His life was cinema. In his empty king-sized bed He conjured up footage of Nubile girls with silky black hair Cavorting through lavender fields. …

My Tempory Friend  Not rated yet
I have got a problem So please folks beg my pardon I have grown a lovely boil Right near my lady garden I can't believe the size it's grown To show …

Washer Madness Not rated yet
Last week I called a plumber to open up a drain. The havoc that he caused could drive a man insane. …

STRETCHING THE POINT Not rated yet
Let me lighten your load While I massage your toes I could straighten your coccyx and spine. I'll be making the point While I'm stretching your joints …

Spaceman? Not rated yet
I came across a spaceman? One early winter's dawn Was this a dream An escape by means From ill fortune fraught so far. With clear of mind And field …

I ASK YOU Not rated yet
I ASK YOU How can it be that I am very methodical. But at he same time I am characterized by lack of planning, dependant on chance, aimless. I …

THANK HEAVENS Not rated yet
Thank heavens I get along with myself' Because I am alone almost everyday. I do my own thing and I'm very contented. Oh! I do have a dog, I almost forgot …

Love to Eat Not rated yet
Rumble and tumble shiver and shake it seems my belly has a tummy ache Can not stop it I don't know why but than I see a truck roll by I run …

Football Cheer!!! Not rated yet
Riff riff ree! Kick 'em in the knee! RIff rif rass! Kick 'em in the- *Gasp* THE OTHER KNEE!

Carrie Not rated yet
Carrie can you carry my canarie colored can? Could you cook me some cookies? Or color my coloring book Could you also remember Callie loves you Schmookumz …

Colour Me Tuesday Not rated yet
Well colour me Tuesday, My braces are lost, All the laces and bows Are undone. A sesame sunset Is smouldering down, And the Race of the humans …

Shabby Dog Not rated yet
Shabby Dog paws the glass Then proceeds to pause And Bark; 'Grant me entry to your home! For I do not wish To be left Alone' Shabby dog is …

Spineless Not rated yet
I had a friend by the name of Tim He was accustomed to people walking all over him, Used to being a peasant by the throne, He lamented the day that …

Rainy Day Not rated yet
Rainy day, cloudy day, splashing in the puddles day.

Rim Shot Not rated yet
The one time I got talked into buying some stock Left me between a hard place and a rock. Miss Piggy …

Epigram for Honesty Not rated yet
(Prompt - Complete this: "2 hamlets side-by-side...") Two hamlets, side by side, one plays Polo, Gert his bride one has lost his corkscrew, …

Its a no no Not rated yet
Why is it such a no no When breaking wind People look on in such disgust And I know they do it I know its a must If you don't blow free You'll have …

Howdy Doody Not rated yet
I gave my friend a dime to see his mother climb a giant forest pine in almost record time She couldn't get back down she jumped and hit the ground …

The gooeiest cookie in the World Not rated yet
I had a gooey cookie the smell ran around the house it had a million chocolate chips that melted in my mouth I love the smell of chocolate but …

IT WAS ALL A DREAM Not rated yet
BOOM! 6:09 lightning and thunder, a yell, rain pouring and my alarm clock rang. time for school like the day before yesterday. At that moment everything …

The Tory Party Not rated yet
Strathclyde green, 3pm. “Shapps?” Why yes, “Pickles?” May have one, thank you. Turning to the side: “Hunt” Another pipes up “Oh gosh, forgot the Cameron- …

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A Flibble for Carroll Not rated yet
Alopropotorus- a gift to her thesaurus a crackashock of elementary soil So she flibberjibbed and doodlebugged As mum begged her to eat her grubs …

Cuthbert Custard Not rated yet
Cuthbert Custard, purveyor of mustard, quite contrary to his name, was a savoury bread snack connoisseur and condiments were his game. Johnny Savage- …