Deadly Santa

by Mary G Van Dyk
(Mount Druitt, NSW, Australia)

Last Christmas you left me a bicycle
The one before, you gave me a truck
This year there’s gonna be changes
So read this letter, you tight-assed fuck

I want that thing called a surfboard
Something to do at the beach
If I don’t find one next to the tree this year
I’ll poison your reindeer with bleach

Brother Jim got a game called Mad Fighters
Dad reckons that I’m way too young
If you don’t leave a copy in my stocking
I’ll shoot you down with my dad’s new shot gun

Ben got the latest phone from his parents
Mum says they’re way too pricey
So I stole it, now Ben thinks he lost it
When you replace it, I won’t feel so dicey

So that’s my present list for Christmas this year
And you owe me, because your last few were shitty
So I better find these all on Christmas Day
Or next year NO kids get presents, that’d be a pity!

***1 month later***

Dear Lloyd,

Santa thanks you for the letter you sent him
But the language seems very abusing
Santa said he’ll leave the surfboard
Up your ass, wouldn’t that be amusing?

He’ll do better than a copy of Mad Fighters
He’s tried that game, it’s just way too flat
You’ll get the real thing on Christmas Eve
With a matching black eye from a baseball bat

When your family sits down on Christmas Eve
And you’re eyeing mums turkey roast
I’d advise against having an appetite
Or you’ll bleed arsenic out from your holes

So I hope you’re looking forward to your presents
Santa and the reindeer wish you Christmas cheer
And don’t you worry, you’ll definitely get all things mentioned
In this letter, for your presents this year

Regards,

Big Joe
Head Bodyguard Elf