I Was Broken But I Got Fixed

by James Patrick G. Cabacungan
(Philippines)

There was a moment in my life, when I felt so mad at myself
I could hardly find happiness in anything I did
I could barely describe how much I was hurting
I couldn't imagine myself embracing tomorrow gratefully and happily

My greatest possessions-
-- my self-confidence and self-esteem were terribly devastated
Like lost treasures with just a slim or no chance at all of being recovered

I didn't know how and where to start
I didn't have the confidence that I would end at something I wanted
I couldn't help but think that to try again would only mean to fail again
I was afraid that another failure would cause more injury
to what had already been injured
And cause more pain to what had already been terribly hurting

I felt that I had lost almost all of my trust in myself
It seemed impossible for me to think that I still believed in myself
With all of these negative thoughts and feelings,
I couldn't figure out what steps to take
So I could get onto the right track
and find myself successful at the end

I really didn't know what to do, until I realized one thing
"I might have lost everything, but as long as my FAITH IN GOD remains,
I can still survive".

Suddenly, I was already thinking positively
My world seemed to completely turn around
Thoughts about our loving God began filling up my mind
"God is always patient with me, even though I am impatient with Him"
"God is always happy in giving me, in His time, the things meant for me,
Though I am not happy in receiving them
Just because they are not given to me when I wanted them"

"God remembers me all the time,
even though I forget about Him most of the time"
"God loves the way He created me,
even, at times,I don't love the way I was made"
"God does not abandon me,
even though I fail to understand and trust His ways"
"God loves me, and I know He always will!"

My mind was flooded with thoughts about God's agape love
towards me as a sinner
And no space was left for my thoughts of frustration,
desperation and resentment
Negative thoughts were cleared out of my mind

Then I began to move toward my goal, - to see myself as the "better me"
And changed the way of how I was seeing myself as the "bitter me"

Strong determination for reaching my goal eventually emerged
From there, I found strength that enabled me to pick up
the seemingly hard- to-lift pieces of my broken courage and hope

When my courage and hope were already fixed,
I began with the next step,
-to find and collect all of the scattered pieces
of my self-confidence and self-esteem
When I found them all successfully,
I felt that I was ready to make the bigger step
-to believe in myself again.

With courage, hope, self-confidence, self-esteem, and the new "me"
believing in myself again, I was able to make the huge leap
Surpassing greater worries and more of the discouraging thoughts.

My greatest possessions, that had almost gone irreversibly broken
Were miraculously restored,enabling me to continue
on the journey toward victory
I never knew what might happen next along the way
There were two things that I was sure about
--- a lifetime of struggle with the negativity
and just a blink of an eye to get lost
I am happy that I have stayed positive this far

In any way, this is not about me,
But this is mainly about "the One" who made all those things happen;
"the One" who fixed what was broken and made it whole again
"the One" to whom I owe everything

At the time that I was seeing myself in the darkest situation
All that I can remember is that-
My FAITH IN GOD led me to the light
...I was broken but I got fixed!